July 2015

I don't have a funny creative title for this post so I'll just call it like it is.  Last time I checked in, I'd just broken my foot. It took a full 6 weeks for that heal, but it finally did. I wore my walking cast for 5 of those 6 weeks; every time I tried to do without it, my foot would hurt w/in a few steps.  So I wore the boot.

It's been raining.  A lot.  May was the rainiest month on record since the early 1900's. The grass grew unbelievably well, ponds/creeks filled up and it was just about perfect really.  For the first time in 5 years, we were able to stock decent numbers of cattle.

Here's a little video of us taking some of the first cattle to water.  This is before the rains really kicked in, so it's still pretty brown.

Incoming!

Flooded yard from the 1st big rain

Clouds

More clouds!

Down at the creek

June 9

In between rains- it felt good to say that!- we got some hay to get ready for winter.  We have fewer over-wintering horses, far more grass in the pasture, and should be able to get by with less hay.

A mere 40 bales

All this sounds happy and cheerful.  Me, though, I've been really struggling to get moving sometimes. I think the release of the stress of the past 4 years has just wiped me out and some days I can't do anything but sit at the computer and surf around. I had to cut way back on guitar work this spring and summer as I just had to have a break. The thought of getting up and doing something just flattens me. Eventually, I get over it and get up and going, but it's hard some days. Fortunately, I have jobs where if I need to sit and drink coffee until noon, I can. That's a tremendous blessing. I play my guitar a lot, but it's hard to find much joy in it and it gets frustrating. My hearing sucks and it's not going to get better... it's just a real struggle playing these days. Nevertheless, I just keep at it and plow on and eventually the black cloud goes away. It helps a lot to look outside at the green grass, big fluffy clouds, and rain on the horizon. It also helps a lot to think about the temporality of this life and focus ahead on the things to come. 

I've been doing a lot of reading on physics, vibrations, energy, music, and God and those are stimulating things that get my brain going. Lots of food for thought there. This perks me up considerably.

Music books

Energy books

I suppose I'll end this with another little video.  I went to check the mail and found 17 steers lounging in front of the pens where the cows were being temporarily held. Turns out that a gate 1.5 miles away had come loose and the steers went walk-about outback. Derek and I easily herded them back with the help of Spots and Risky.

Thank God for the rain!

(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction: Thoughts on Creativity, Interaction, Euphoria, and Depression

I typed something to a friend the other day and it's been lurking in my subconscious ever since.  I said "I live in a vacuum and feedback is important to me".  That just kind of slipped off the keyboard but when I was awake at 4 am this morning pondering my role in The Universe, I realized just how true that statement is. I crave feedback. I find that when I make a comment or an allusion or play my guitar or write something or whatever, that I do so because I want a response. If there's a response, I get a little rush. I'm sure this response is due to bodily chemical reaction that results in an addiction of sorts. At the same time, if I'm expecting a response and I don't get one, then the rush doesn't happen and a mild depression follows instead.

By "feedback", I really mean "interaction". For instance, I love questions. Whether we're in Sunday school or shooting bows or doing falconry or playing guitar, if someone says "Hey, what do you think about ______?" or "Hey, how do you do _______?" (it's a little known fact that my first name is really "Hey"), well, that's a rush. At the same time, I equally love it when someone feeds me, especially in an interactive way.  In other words, I don't really like going to conferences and listening to speakers and not interacting with them.  I want to sit down across a table with a cup of coffee and interact. I want them to ask questions of me and me to ask questions of them. There are fewer things I'd rather do, really, than give and take.

Good music is like this and that's why I like playing good music. I've been in jams with two or three good players who listen to each other and we've traded breaks back and forth for hours, sometimes playing the same tune for 10-15-20 minutes. I remember one jam in particular with two young hotshots from South Plains College where we did exactly this. I played something, one of them built upon that, the next kid took it somewhere else, it came back to me and I modified it, and around and around and around we went. The incredible Anne Luna (I call her "The World's Best Bass Player" for good reason) was playing bass for us and had to leave momentarily to go pop a blister on her finger; that's how intense that jam was. And that, folks, is an extremely satisfying thing. It's also fairly rare but once you've experienced it, you'll seek it out for the rush.

Then there's musical situations where no one listens and there's no feedback. I can remember several gigs like that but one in particular stands out- we were playing at an arts fair in Boise ID.  There was a large lawn space in front of the stage and people would go out of their way to walk around that space. No one stopped to listen to our little band (and I don't think we were THAT bad!). Worse, no one in the band was listening to each other. It came time for me to take a solo and I stepped up to the mike and continued to play rhythm. No one raised their eyebrows or winked or did anything other than continue to stare at their own instruments. Now, I suppose one could say "Well, you should be playing for yourself!" and you'd have a point, but I don't have to lug my guitar to the car, drive an hour, unload, and stand in the hot summer sun to play for myself. I go out so that I can reap what I sow. And when I expect to reap and it doesn't happen, it's extremely unsatisfying. I can't play "background music" for this reason. If one, just one, person listens and I can have a "conversation" with that one person, I'm happy, but to sit and play without that interaction... ugh. Unsatisfying. Downright depressing, really- no one cares!  Well, not really, but that's what it feels like.

I enter guitar and mandolin contests largely for the feedback. There you are in front of a panel of "blind" judges. They can't see you, don't know who you are, and you're there just to play and see how you stack up. This feedback either encourages me to continue- if I do well- or it spurs me to work harder- if I do well, but not quite well enough to win. It rarely totally discourages me because I hate to quit, especially when I've set a goal for myself.  I do music videos and put them on my YouTube channel for this same reason- I want feedback.  I got this comment the other day and it just made my day:

Bryan, your demos remind me of the great Jimmy Connors,who back in the mid 1970's demonstrated that he could crush the daylights out of a tennis ball,just using a cut off broom!You could basically make any guitar sound fabulous and I doubt anyone will disagree.

As a guy with hearing aids in each ear who's been deaf since age 6, this is very satisfying feedback. It says "you're doing something right".

You might consider this "ego building" but I disagree because it's equally satisfying if someone feeds me. Like I said earlier, I love it when someone say "Have you considered _____?" and then proceeds to feed an already existing interest.  New interests are harder for me to accommodate because my Interest Jar is already pretty full and bringing in something new means something old's gotta go, but when someone brings something to the table that expands an existing interest, that is very satisfying. In fact, if I don't get fed, I'm going to go seek A Feeder. This is really why I take lessons, and it's why one on one lessons are better than a book- interaction. I need both Feeders and I need to Feed. When one's missing, I'm not satisfied.

Now, the creativity part.  I create things- whether they be musical or written (like, um...this blog) because I want interaction. I want to enrich someone's life with something that I've created but I also want to know that I've enriched their life- feedback! To know that I've enriched someone is a very satisfying thing. To be unable to do this is unsatisfying.

The first year after David's death, I had zero creativity. I played almost no guitar- my primary instrument, where I expect myself to create- but focused on mandolin. There, I played Celtic tunes by rote with no variation, no improvisation, and no creativity. No creativity meant that I had nothing to offer.  Nothing to offer means no feedback. No feedback means no satisfaction.  No satisfaction means depression. Depression means no desire for creativity.  It's a vicious cycle. The one thing that would draw me out of that cycle was someone asking a question. When someone asks for something, it means that they want help and helping people is satisfying. Satisfaction drives depression away. Temporarily, at least.  I noticed that, for the first time in my life, the euphoria of satisfaction would be followed by a depression, the only way out of which was to wait for another question. That first year was tough.  There were times when I'd be in the shop, the darkness would hit, and I would have to crawl under my workbench, curl up, and suck my thumb for awhile before I got a grip on it and starting looking at the sunny side again.

Two years after David, I wasn't crawling under the workbench as much and I started playing guitar again, but there was nothing there.  No creativity, just kind of making my fingers move again over stuff that I knew. I went to Kaufman Kamp as a mandolin Kamper, but I placed myself in "Intermediate" instead of  "Advanced" because I couldn't think yet and I didn't want to be challenged.  I just wanted to get moving again. I did very little jamming- mostly listening- but it was that year that I found "The David Mandolin" and that was satisfying.  At Winfield that year, I also did very little jamming, but I started getting my ears back and more importantly, my desire to create via music.

Now, three years after David's death, I feel like I'm gaining my creativity back but only in the past few months. The friend I mentioned at the start of this long post visited us, provided a lot of stimulating discussion about mutual interests, which, in turn, stimulated me to play a lot of guitar and mandolin during which I announced to whoever was listening "I feel like I can play again" by which I really meant "I feel creative again!". After the friend left, I told Georgia "I got fed this week."  That was a satisfying week, followed, of course, by a depressive crash, but not as bad as previous depressions, (helped quite a bit by us leaving to attend a family reunion which was also pretty "satisfying", all in all).  I held on to the good, focused ahead, and kept the creative rush going.  Furthermore, this "feeding" helped me realize how important it is that I, too, get "fed". Between pastoring (Sunday morning, Sunday sermon, Weds eve), Internet guitar forums, guitar customers, and etc, I do so much feeding that it drains me. Normally, I can recharge, but when a bad event happens- in the past 4 years, I've dealt with a lawsuit, severe drought, David's death, and Georgia's cancer- I don't recharge and it just wipes me out.  I need to find people to feed me.

Well, this has been a long post with not very many pictures. It's been said to me that I tend to write posts about stuff that happens and not touchy-feely stuff, so here's a touchy-feely post for you. I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately- thinking about the creative urge, wondering how to fight the post-euphoric crash and maintain a more even keel, and well, here we are.  Your comments and questions are welcomed!  :)

Here's an obligatory picture.

L-R:
Martin D-28 1937 Authentic
Proulx OM/D
Krishot F5 mandolin
Proulx OM/D
Martin D-18 Golden Era

And here's a couple of applicable Bible verses which it would do me well to remember:

Php 4:8 NKJV  Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

1Th 5:21 NKJV  Test all things; hold fast what is good.

Departure

This is something I’ve been meaning to write about for some time and tonight the Internet is down, so I’ll take the opportunity to write.  I’m going to revisit something that I touched on briefly in “Blessed Be The Name of the Lord” and that is the two songs that my son David and I played the night before he passed away.   I’ll quote from that blog entry:

As I sat there in the moonlight, my eyes fell on David's little electronic drum set, which he'd only had for a week. He had an excellent sense of time, though, and we played several times. On Sunday evening, Georgia and David started playing- her on bass and him on drums. I came in from chores, got my Telecaster, and joined them. We played several songs and then were sitting there when I started playing a certain song. We played that one for awhile and then G got up to leave. I said “Wait, let's try this one before you leave”, and we played another song for a bit. Georgia left and it was just David and me. David said “Let's play that one again. I want to make sure I have it.” So, I obliged. Afterward, I told him “You know, I've never played those songs with anyone before. I've only practiced them.” Sitting there on the couch, wondering about where David's spirit was, staring at his drum set, I suddenly recalled the last 2 songs we'd played. The next-to-last one was “Knockin' on Heaven's Door”. And the last one- the one he wanted to play again, to make sure he had it right-  was a Brad Paisley instrumental called “Departure”.

Out of all the songs I know, why those two titles in that order, at that time? This is beyond coincidence and I can only attribute it, along with Mario's e-mail, as an answer to my cries from God.

Fast forward about 8 months from that time.  I was lying in bed trying to go to sleep and the weight of David’s death was heavy on my heart.  I opened up my Bible (on David’s iPad) to read, thought for a moment, and then turned to Paul to read what he has to say about his upcoming death.  Here’s what I found:

2Ti 4:6-8 NKJV  For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure is at hand. 

He says “the time of my departure is at hand.”  I honestly did not know- at least not consciously- that Paul used that word there before I felt like I should read that passage.  Suddenly, the song David and I played together had even more significance.  But that’s not all....

As I lay in bed thinking about this passage, an event from several years ago popped into my head.  A guitar customer/friend, Scott, who was not a Christian when I first met him, sent me, out of the blue, an e-mail that said simply “Bryan, I have found the Lord.  More later.  Scott.”  And that’s all I heard from him until nearly 2 years later at Kaufman Kamp.  Four of us- Scott was one- were standing around in a circle talking.  iPods were new that year and the conversation was “What’s on your iPod?”  Two of the guys said this or that bluegrass group, blah, blah, blah.  Then they turned to Scott and said “What are you listening to?” and Scott said “Well, I’ve been working thru Vernon McGee’s ‘A Year Thru the Bible’”.  I smiled a big smile and asked if he’d listened to John Piper yet. 

So, there I was, years later, laying in bed thinking about David and thinking about Paul’s verse, and that conversation came back to me, and I realized I’d never really heard or read anything by Vernon McGee.  Using David’s iPad,  I surfed over to my Bible software’s download page and behold! There’s “Vernon McGee’s Commentary”.  I bought it, downloaded it, and immediately turned to his comments on Paul’s verses above.  Here’s what he had to say:

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Now let's return to his statement in verse 2Ti_4:6: "my departure is at hand." Departure is from a different Greek word than the one used in 1 Thessalonians for the departure of the church at the Rapture from this earth. Paul himself was going through a different doorway. Believers who are living when the Rapture takes place will not go through the doorway of death. "… We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye …" (1Co_15:51-52). The Greek word which Paul uses in speaking of his departure is analusis, an entirely different word. [which he uses ONCE in the entire New Testament- here] It is made up of two words, one of which is luo, which means "to untie or unloose." Analusis could be used to refer to untying anything, but basically it was a nautical term used for a ship which was tied up at the harbor, ready to put out to sea.

Paul had an altogether different conception than that which is popular today. I've heard this so often at funeral services: "Dear Brother So-and-So. He's come into the harbor at last. He's been out yonder on a pretty wild sea, but the voyage is over now, and he's come into the harbor." Paul is really saying just the opposite of this. He's saying, "I've been tied down to the harbor." And that is what life is—we haven't been anywhere yet; we've just been tied down to this little earth.

I know of only one writer from the past who has caught this meaning of Paul's. Tennyson wrote as the first verse of his poem, "Crossing the Bar":

Sunset and evening star,
And one clear call for me!
And may there be no moaning of the bar,
When I put out to sea.

That's what death is for the child of God. It is a release for us.

Paul says, "Don't look at my execution and let blood make you sick. I'm like a ship that has been tied up at the harbor. When death comes, I'm really taking off to go and be with Christ, which will be far better."

---------------------------

I can’t tell you what joy and peace this commentary gave me.  The thought of David’s earthly bounds and constraints being untied and him being freed to sail God’s seas (or knowing him, flying God’s skies!) made me smile.  Again, what are the chances of us playing- out all the tunes I know- two songs I’d never played with anyone, “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” and “Departure” the night before his totally unexpected passing?  And then to recall a many-years ago conversation with Scott which led me directly to Vernon McGee’s commentary on this verse?  You can call it coincidence if you want but it’s way beyond that for me; it’s the hand of God in action.

After reading the passage and the commentary, I closed my eyes and slept the best sleep I’d slept in months.

This scene from "Lord of the Rings" captures this concept so very well, I think.  Frodo at 4:14 really nails the feeling of "peace, finally".

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In other news, it’s been raining steadily since it started raining in early July.  Grass in some places is literally knee-high.  This is the best of the season I've maybe ever seen and it should definitely give us a good start for  next year.  I cannot believe how fast and how well the ground has recovered.  Places that were dry, dusty, and barren are now covered in seeded-out grama grass.  It truly is incredible and truly gives me hope that what is dead, God can make alive again (Ezekiel 37).

Fixing water gaps!

GRASS!!!

Lessons from Dobby

I saw this on Facebook, saved a copy, printed it, and stuck it on our refrigerator.   As I was getting my yogurt one morning a thought struck me; Dobby is an excellent example of Christianity.  Dobby is from the Harry Potter series and I'm probably the last person in the world to watch the movies.  I resisted them for a long time but my daughter brought them home one day, it was cold and snowing, and so we loaded 'em up in the DVD player and commenced to watching.

Some people like to watch "Christian" movies like "Fireproof", "Facing the Giants", "Letters to God", and etc, and I enjoy those, too. but I have more fun watching non-Christian movies and pulling themes out of them to show the universalism of the Gospel message.  Many "Christian" movies are so often like fairy tales- everyone's happy, trouble comes along, they pray, everything is better again.  Life isn't like that (nor is the Bible or the gospel message).  Instead, we're not happy, troubles get worse, we pray, things get worse, we pray some more... and then something odd happens... we learn to be joyful w/in our troubles.  We transcend our troubles.  A bunch of verses immediately spring to mind that address this paradox:

Job 5:6-7 NKJV  For affliction does not come from the dust, Nor does trouble spring from the ground;  (7)  Yet man is born to trouble, As the sparks fly upward.

Zec 13:9 NKJV  I will bring the one-third through the fire, Will refine them as silver is refined, And test them as gold is tested. They will call on My name, And I will answer them. I will say, 'This is My people'; And each one will say, 'The LORD is my God.' "

1Pe 1:6-7 NKJV  In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials,  (7)  that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,

So, back to Dobby.... why do I think Dobby is a nice illustration of a Christian?  Granted, this is not a perfect illustration, but it seems to me to have its points.  Dobby, when we first meet him, is a slave and furthermore he is a slave to a harsh taskmaster- the nefarious Lucius Malfoy.  I can't ignore the root of Mr. Malfoy's name: "Lucius"- as it's the same as "Lucifer". So, Dobby is basically a slave to the devil.  He's dressed in filthy rags to remind him of his state.  The only way he can be freed is if his master gives him an article of clothing.  Lucius Malfoy isn't about to do that, of course.  Harry Potter ends up tricking Lucius by hiding a piece of Harry's clothing (a sock) in a book; he hands the book to Lucius who then hands it to Dobby.  Dobby opens the book, finds the sock (never said it had to be the slave master's piece of clothing, right?) and becomes a free elf. After realizing that Harry has tricked him- although Harry played according to the rules!- Lucius is furious.  He doesn't care one whit for Dobby; he's just mad that he's lost a slave.  Harry, on the other hand, does care for Dobby, as Jesus Christ cares for His sheep.   Likewise, we're dressed in filthy rags (Isa 64:6) and are cleaned up by the gift of God in Jesus Christ (Romans 6:23).

Our analogy gets a little weak here because Harry only gave his sock whereas Jesus Christ gave his life and took our sins upon Himself, but what happens next is what struck me about this analogy in the first place.  Dobby is now FREE.  He's a FREE elf.   Just like this:

Joh 8:36 NKJV  Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.

Dobby's response to this freedom is to respond with gratitude and voluntarily attach himself to Harry Potter.  And this is where so many people misunderstand Christianity.  Upon being freed from the slavery of sin by Christ, I don't have to do anything.  That's religion.  I've been freed by grace (an unmerited favor) thru faith (in the fact that Jesus can do this), and I'm free from my former bonds.  At this point, I could voluntarily return to my old master, but who would?!  Well, some do!  Some go back to their harsh taskmaster.  Others, seeing a better way in front of them, go with the Good Taskmaster, the one who cares for his followers.  In the Harry books/movies, that's Harry.  In the Christian life, that's Jesus.   Dobby's love of Harry is so great that he eventually gives his own life to save Harry's.  Later on, Harry gives his life to save everyone from the evil Voldemort, but we don't know that just yet and- like I said earlier, this isn't a perfect analogy, nor would I want it to be; it's more fun to put the pieces together in a different order with the same result.

Many people think that they don't need Christ; they can "improve" themselves and make themselves a "better person".  Well, maybe they can, but the problem is that they're still slaves, just like Dobby, except that now they're new and improved slaves.  It takes someone else to come along and ransom them, or for the slave-master to set them free.  Believe me, your slave-master doesn't want to set you free any more than Lucius was ever gonna set Dobby free.  Paul's all over the "slaves of sin" theme in Romans:

Rom 6:17-18 NKJV  But God be thanked that though you were slaves of sin, yet you obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine to which you were delivered.  (18)  And having been set free from sin, you became slaves of righteousness.

So, along comes Harry Potter and pays the price (with his sock!) of setting Dobby free.  Again, this is where the analogy is a little weak because Jesus paid much, much more than that.  But the principle holds; we must be ransomed and set free.

Mat 20:28 NKJV  just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."

 1Ti 2:5-6 NKJV  For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus,  (6)  who gave Himself a ransom for all...

A key point here is that Christians are followers of Christ because they want to be, not because they have to be.  Following Christ is not something one does to earn their freedom but something they do in gratitude.  If you don't want to be grateful, then that's between you and Him.  I suppose, having been freed, if you want to go back to your sin master, you can.  Certainly, it seems like many (maybe most?) Christians stop in to visit their old master once in awhile to see how he's doing.  Dobby never did, that's for sure.  He knew who Lucius was and ended up fighting against him for Harry several times.  That should be Christians, too.  We should fight against sin and help others do the same.  Dobby wants nothing more than to please Harry and that should be Christians, too.  We do things, not because we have to, but because we know that it pleases Jesus.  Of course we're never perfect in these things and of course we make mistakes but that's part of the learning process.  The main thing is that we do what we do out of gratitude and out of a willingly obedient heart, not out of a slave's heart.

Psa 51:16-17 NKJV  For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it; You do not delight in burnt offering.  (17)  The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, A broken and a contrite heart— These, O God, You will not despise.

Winter’s Come and Gone

Well, not quite, but it’s a cool song and it’ll soon be true.  Here’s my friends Kenny and Amanda Smith doing the song:

We still have some (probably) cold weather ahead but on the whole, it’s been a very mild winter.  We’ve had just a few small snowfalls and we definitely need some more moisture to get started growing grass in ’13.  The forecast isn’t calling for rain but I’ve seen it rain here and not there, so I’m hopeful that we’ll get something.  Just in case, though, we’re reducing our cattle load to 60% of normal operating capacity.  Now, that sounds easy on paper, but that means a 40% reduction in income, too.   I should be able to make that up by working on guitars, but we’re anticipating a lean summer.  But, I’m confident that we’ll be okay.

Christmas came and went and went enjoyed spending it in Santa Fe at my mother’s house.  I’ve otherwise mostly just been working on guitars, working on sermons, and doing what I normally do this time of the year.  One new thing is that I’m going to make an effort to shoot in the State Championship archery rounds, and to prepare for that I’ve been tuning bows and practicing.

We got a new-to-us Harris' hawk right after the NAFA meet back in Thanksgiving and we've been working with him.  He's doing okay but we just don't have any game.  Maybe next year.

I had a nice surprise the other day. I was wanting a drum track to practice electric guitar with and I thought "Garageband!" So, I fired it up on David's former iPad and guess what I found on there? A recording of us jamming. Before he got his little drum set, he played our Ashbory Bass. If you've never seen one of these, they have a very short scale and literally rubber bands for strings. They are super-easy to play.  David started fooling around with it and I could see he had a good sense of rhythm, so I said “Why don’t I show you a chord progression?”  I showed him a simple I-IV-V in G and it didn’t take him long to get it down.  I remember the day he set his iPad down in front of the amp and recorded himself and then played it back thru the amp (using some connectors I'd put together) and then recorded me playing along with him. We did that _once_ and that was the recording I found today.  I edited a rough start out (I was trying to figure out if he had the right number of beats) and added a few more photos of him and threw this little video together.

I also found on Garageband  a recording of him singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" along with a Garageband keyboard which he presumably played.  What a couple of special finds, huh?

We’re continuing to work through David’s passing.  The hardest part is going to the cemetery.   They called and said that David’s headstone had come in and so we drove out to see it.  It was a little crooked so I reached out to straighten it up.  I was able to touch his casket at the burial but something about touching the headstone just wiped me out.  We came home and I slept for 4 hours.  We’ve been back twice to put plastic flowers back in place and both times I’ve come down with gout which, in me, seems to be stress-related.  However, I continue to be given little “comfort circumstances” and am gaining peace.  Here’s an interesting story...  I’ve been using E-Sword software for years but have never used the reference library downloads.  Well, I moved to a new computer (originally supposed to be Georgia’s but ended up being mine) and in the process of updating everything I re-installed E-Sword and while doing that, I looked over the reference library downloads and found this book:

Have Heart

So, I downloaded and read it.  I was an amazing read.  It’s a story of a pastor whose 18-year old was killed in a car wreck and the things they went thru while dealing with it.  I’ve read quite a few books on death, but this one really hit home. I recommend it highly. 

Well, let’s wrap this up.

Mom and Derek at the gravesite

 

A Fender Esquire that I put together

Another Year Bites the Dust

Last time we talked, I was complaining about things breaking. They continued to break; I fixed the Kawasaki generator, it ran for awhile, then it broke again. Finally, I broke down, drove to town, and bought a 2^nd generator like my reliable (so far) Honda-engined “Master” brand. That was a good move and I made it thru the summer with 2 working generators, happily pumping water. A few other things broke along the way, but in the end, we got our cattle shipped and ended the summer.

Cattle-wise, it wasn't that bad. The cattle gained good weight and my numbers came out almost dead-on, meaning that I didn't have any unaccounted missing cattle. That's rare and great. I took a little video of the shipping process:

Moving Cattle the Slow Way

We also used a helicopter again, to gather the north side of the ranch. Here's some footage from 2006, to illustrate what it's like using a 'copter to gather cattle:

Moving Cattle the Fast Way

Ranch-wise, we shipped a little early because the grass is pretty much gone. This is the worst drought period since the 1930's and we're fighting hard to maintain as much cover and stability as possible. It is DRY out there. Last year, I was flying my falcons on ducks, this year there are no ponds.

Financially, it's been a tough year. For a single reason that I still can't talk about, we're spending a lot of money. As a result, the ranch couldn't pay my salary for 3 months. I was too busy with the ranch to get much guitar work done and a job opened up in the local school district, so Georgia went to work. This lead to me taking full-time care of our youngest son. It's hard to work on guitars when you're cooking, young son sitting, and home-schooling but with cattle finally gone, we're getting into the swing of it and with cattle gone, we got our final payments, which allowed the ranch to start paying my salary again, albeit at a lower rate. We're pulling thru but it's been a little shaky. On the upside, Derek and I are spending a lot more time together and I think he's matured a lot in the past few months. He always looked up to David and now he has to be his own man.

Otherwise, things are okay. I'd be lying if I said that David's death hasn't affected us. When we're busy, we don't think about it but it's the quiet times in the evening and morning that are the worst. “Ambushes” occur in conversations, things that spark memories, and so forth. This is common and it happens to everyone. The things that help me the most are to go back and re-read the things I wrote immediately after David's passing. That makes me re-focus on the amazing things that happened before/after his death and gives me assurance. I've also been doing a lot of reading about life after death, both from a Christian and non-Christian perspective. The Bible is the authority- sola Scriptura- but even though “Scripture Alone” is sufficient, it is not a “Scripture that is alone”; there are confirmations out there. So, when I read from scientists that life after death is a recognized phenomenon but they just can't explain certain parts of it, it's just fuel for the fire. Applying Scripture, I think I can explain the parts they don't want to touch, but, in any case, reading philosophy and scientists on the topic has gone a long ways in giving me comfort. Among the books I'm reading are:

Dinesh D'Souza

Chris Carter

As well as this article:

Scientist Rethinks Life After Death

What's striking about the last article is this paragraph:

Very early one morning four years ago, I awoke with an extremely intense headache. Within hours, my entire cortex—the part of the brain that controls thought and emotion and that in essence makes us human—had shut down. Doctors at Lynchburg General Hospital in Virginia, a hospital where I myself worked as a neurosurgeon, determined that I had somehow contracted a very rare bacterial meningitis that mostly attacks newborns. E. coli bacteria had penetrated my cerebrospinal fluid and were eating my brain.

This is very much like David's death and “meningitis” was an early diagnosis, changed to “a bacteria”, and finally to “I've never seen anything like this”. A friend sent me the above link and it not only struck me in its parallel to David's death, but it came at just the right time. Anyway... I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking.

As winter moves toward us once again, I'm getting back into the swing of working on guitars, reading, training my prairie falcon, and moving on into my typical winter stuff. I haven't' hardly touched a guitar since David's death. Instead, I've been playing mandolin and I've been playing Celtic stuff where improvisation is not encouraged. On guitar, I'm all about variations and improvisations, but my creative juices are at a low (witness my lack of writing here....) and playing Celtic stuff on mandolin is kind of therapeutic. 

I guess that's it for now.  Next time, I'll tell you about our new Subaru, trout fishing, and- hopefully- have another successful elk hunt to recount.

A Book Review- The Reason for God by Timothy Keller

This is one of the books I tossed on my Kindle for the train trip to Washington DC.  I didn’t get as much reading done as I’d hoped and this book was demanding a slow, careful, thoughtful reading so I held it off a bit.   Since the train trip, I’ve been working on it a few pages at a time and thought I might give my impressions of it here on the blog.  First, the fact that I have to digest a few pages at a time says something because I’m normally a very fast reader.  It’s a rare book that makes me slow down.

The opening part of the book is the least interesting to me as I’ve already read so much on and thought so much about the standard apologetics that he discusses there- “One Religion”, “Suffering”, “Christianity is a Straitjacket”, “Injustice”, “A Loving God and Hell”, and so forth.  Those are great topics, of course, but I’ve read entire books on each one.  Where Keller’s book took a turn for the better, for me, was “Part 2- The Reasons for God”.   Here he covers “The Clues of God”, “The Knowledge of God”, “The Problem of Sin”, “Religion and the Gospel”, and so on.   I particularly liked “The Clues of God” and that’s what I’m going to write on this evening.  Plus, I’m not finished with the book!

Keller starts with a story about a Russian astronaut who returned from space and said “I looked for God in space and didn’t see him.”  CS Lewis replied to this by saying “That’s like Hamlet going into his attic and looking for Shakespeare.”  As is often the case, Lewis nailed it with an accurate and amusing metaphor.  Keller goes on to point out something that I’ve also stated- if man is a created being, he can only grasp certain aspects of the creator, specifically the things that the creator chooses to reveal.  In other words, what can Hamlet know of Shakespeare?  All Hamlet knows is his little world.  If he knows anything of William Shakespeare it’s because Bill put it in Hamlet’s mind, in the book.  Likewise, what we know of God is what God chooses to reveal (umm… “revelation” anyone?).   In our minds we like to think differently, of course and we like to think that we’re gonna wiggle out of the little box God has us in.  I don’t see that as any more likely that Hamlet doing the same.

Now we have in the Bible (and in other monotheistic texts, too), case after case of people failing to stand before the presence of God Almighty.  When Moses came down from the mountain, the people couldn’t look at him because he glowed so strongly from the encounter.  God hid Moses in the cleft of the rock when He passed by- to protect Him.   Isaiah fell as a dead man when brought to the temple and said “Woe is me!  I am undone. For my eyes have seen the Lord”.  Gideon feared for his life upon seeing the Angel of God.  Manoah did the same.   Peter asked Jesus to go away for Peter was a sinful man- Peter wasn’t concerned about Jesus, he was concerned about himself!  And then John fell as a dead man upon seeing Jesus in Revelation.  When people say “Oh, if God would just show himself, then I’d believe!”,  I don’t think they understand the Holiness of God.   RC Sproul has an entire book on “The Holiness of God” and it cuts like a knife.

Therefore, what God does, argues Keller, is give clues to his being.  That these clues are apparent was stated by Paul in Romans 1.  Paul further stated that man has no excuse for ignoring these clues and yet he suppresses what he sees and “worships the creation rather than the creator.”  That certainly was my experience when I was working as a biologist and I still see that among falconers, horsemen, and other people who work closely with animals or with the land- so often, those things become their “god”. 

What’s interesting about these clues to me is that individually they still don’t prove the existence of God.  They are simply clues.  For instance, the complexity of DNA and our own bodies is incredible, but it doesn’t prove God.  Irreducible complexity is a fascinating concept, but it doesn’t prove God.  The precision of the universe is staggering but, by itself, it doesn’t prove God.  Art, music, beauty…all amazing things, but they don’t prove God.  However, when taken together, in whole, as a sum, the clues seem obvious- there is something there that is greater than us.  This still doesn’t, of course, point to God Almighty, Yahweh, The God Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and Keller readily admits this, as he well should because it’s true.  This is where so many authors stop and this is where Keller is just getting warmed up.

Where Keller heads next is the land of ethics, morals, and values.  This is fun because I like to see people pull together the various disciplines of science, philosophy, art, and religion and try to make a cohesive picture.  In fact, if you're a theologian, I think you almost have to do this. After all, if God is omnipotent, omniscient, and the creator of all things, then "theology"- the study of God- must be prepared to apply or relate every possible discipline to God.  So, I like to see people take a stab at The Big Picture.  What Keller does now is apply ethics, morals, and values to the clues that God leaves and in the process, he makes the case that these point right straight to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

Well, I’m tired of typing, you’re tired of reading (no pictures!), so I’ll save more for later.  Better yet, pick up a copy of Keller’s book and read it for yourself. 

Thoughts on Missionaries

It's 4:30 am, it's dark outside, and I don't know where...wait, that was 2 weeks ago. I know exactly where I am. I'm sitting in our living room, wrapped in a blanket, sipping a cup of coffee, typing this. I woke up at 4 am, started thinking about the peregrine falcon that I'm hoping to add to my falconry permit and the fact that I was thinking (it's such a rare event) gave me an adrenalin rush so that going back to sleep was impossible. Of course, by 10 am, I'm going to be falling asleep again, but we have to go get started on taxes and maybe the sheer terror of that event will keep me awake long enough that I can fall asleep at a naturally acceptable time tonight. We'll see.

When I last blogged, we were on our way to church to hear a visiting missionary speak. Normally, I speak or our other elder speaks, but we like to have guests, thus Joshua. Joshua is 22 yrs old and has been to Africa several times for several weeks or months at a time. He's quite an accomplished young man. He, for instance, flew his airplane from his home in Artesia NM to our church. I don't know a whole bunch of 22 yr old pilots. Joshua had some thoughtful thoughts for us and I particularly liked the way he addressed what I call “hit and run missionaries”. These are missionaries who go to places, distribute tracts, do some preaching, do an altar call, all that....and then whoosh!!!! Off to the next town! I'm sure God uses them, but the oft quoted “Great Commission” is “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit...” Different parts of this jump out differently to different people, but what jumps out at me are the words “disciple” and “baptizing”. Missionary work thus seems to me like more of relationship building in the name of Christ than it does “hit and run” testifying. Missionaries, at least some of them, ought to stay on the grounds, develop long-term relationships, and grow leaders who are grounded in the faith and capable of continuing sound teaching. Joshua agreed (which is why we liked him, of course!) and had a few things to say about the topic.

The other question I had for him was “which is more important- money to finance missionaries, or bodies to be missionaries? Or are they equal?” I asked that question because some of the missionaries we've had visit say “Go where God calls you” but when you feel called to nail your feet to the floor and go nowhere, they can become critical, emphasizing the “go” part. Yet, many people would consider our little corner of New Mexico to be “the end of the world” (Acts 1:8) and what we're doing here is trying to make disciples and hold down the fort.  Staying put and growing long-term relationships seems to me every bit of a calling as going hither and yonder.  I discussed this with Joshua and as I did, I recalled passages from 2 Corinthians 8-9 where Paul is commending the Corinthians for supporting his travels. In this case we have a Biblical example of a congregation staying put and earning money to support the efforts of traveling missionaries. They are obviously both necessary.

All of this points out a few things- first, we tend to do what we like, justify those things, and like people who are like us. Secondly, it's critical to find Biblical examples to use as models. Missionaries who travel tend to encourage other people to travel and pastors who feel called to stay in one place tend to justify their actions. But I think we have Biblical support for both and that both parties need each other. Instead of feeling inferior or instead of judging the other party, we ought to support one another, and I think Romans 14 is applicable to this issue. It doesn't matter much what I think or what I feel, though. What really matters, especially in a church situation, is what the Bible models. This is where I think we so often go wrong- we do what we want to do. But our way is not God's way and His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8). If we are to call ourselves “Christians”, that is “Little Christs”, then we can't rely on our own devices, but must follow the model set down for us. And that model is not a rigid one,either. There actually is a lot of flexibility in the Biblical model. The problem comes, I think, when people try to follow the letter of the law instead of the spirit of the law. They do exactly what the letter says instead of trying to understand what the letter is teaching. This is robotic obedience, not living obedience. I'm basing this thought on Jesus' dialog with the devil in Matthew 4 and the point Paul makes to Timothy in 2 Timothy 2:15. I'll probably elaborate on this at a later time. Right now, though, the sun is peeking over the snowy horizon, the house is beginning to stir, and I will wrap this up.

In closing, I'd like to point out that yesterday was my 25th marriage anniversary. I've now been married for more than ½ of my life. I would thank my wife for putting up with me that long, but she would said that I need a more positive attitude, so I guess I'll just congratulate her instead. :)

Blown Away

Sunday wind

We are home, back in the Land of Enchantment, back to the land of blowing dust.  Spring winds usually mean summer rains, though, so we’re not complaining too much.

The last leg of the trip, after David’s illness, went as well as could be expected.  By the time we rolled into Raton (right on time, too), he was able to drink a little and was doing a bit better.  Mom showed up with clean clothes and some Gatorade and after running a few errands, we were headed home.  David spent most of Saturday recovering, with no more upchucks and only a little diarrhea.  By Saturday night, he was doing pretty well.

I have some observations. 

First, the train.  Both David and I really enjoyed the train.  If you want to get from Point A to Point B quickly, forget it.  If you incorporate the train ride as part of your journey, it’s great.  I liked just sitting there watching the country go by w/out worrying about driving or oncoming traffic or any of that.  I think that THIS MOM'S observations echo mine (except that I didn't do a wine tasting..).   It’s true that David got sick, but imagine him getting sick on an airplane.  Or in the car.  On the train, we were able- thankfully- to get an isolated, self-contained room to ride it out.  Outside of the sickness, we could get up and walk around, sit in large comfortable seats w/out seat belts, change positions, change views, and so forth.  I guarantee you that I’m going to try to make at least 1 train trip a year for the rest of my life.

Next- clothing and gear.  I bought a few things especially for this trip.  First up is the ASUS Eee “Seashell” netbook that I purchased.  I have a Dell laptop but I’ve been using it more and more for ranch business (.ie Quickbooks), and my book writing.  As such, it’s gotten more valuable and I’m getting to where I don’t want to travel with it.  All I need when traveling is a way to check e-mail, surf the ‘net, and do some relatively light typing.   The ASUS fits those needs extremely well.  It’s literally ½ the size of my Dell, and ½ the weight (3 lbs vs nearly 7).  Battery life ran well over 8 hours.  I have Kindle for PC loaded on it, making it a secondary reader for when David wanted to use the Kindle.  It has a card reader that I used to upload pictures from my digital video camera.   I was very happy with the ASUS on this trip.  At home, it’s really handy to use around the house for ‘net looking up. 

ASUS sitting on top of Dell laptop

I needed some shoes for the trip that would be comfortable, provide good traction, protect against rain/snow, and still look decent.  I normally wear cowboy boots, but they can take up a lot of room and I don’t like to walk long distances in them.  I researched and ended up getting a pair of Irish Setter Soft Paw Chukkas.  They were fabulous.  Very comfortable, light weight yet supportive, easy to get in and out of, and waterproof.  I can hardly say enough good things about them.

Along with the shoes, I wore Thorlo socks.  I was trying a new style to me- the “Uniform Support” (WGXS).  These kept my feet warm and dry with exceptionally good lower leg support.  They were easy to wash and dried very quickly.  If you’ve never used Thorlo socks, I highly recommend them.  On top, I wore Cabela’s MTP Performance crew shirts.  Like the socks, theses are wicking shirts that kept me dry and warm.  I’d typically drop a lightweight sweatshirt top over them (also from Cabelas) and this combination was very flexible and comfortable.  I’m wearing the shirt in the photo a few blogs back where David and I are at the table.  Along these same lines, I bought 3 pair of ExOfficio “Give ‘n Go” underwear.  Yes, I realize this is getting kind of personal, but if you’ve ever traveled, you know how important running gear is.  Like the socks and shirts, the Ex Officio stuff was comfortable, wicking, easy to wash, and quick drying.  This combination made for an easy wash load on our last day out and I could’ve even washed everything in the sink and dried them in the room if I’d had to.  Shoes, socks, shirts, underwear- it all added up to a comfortable, non-clammy, easy to clean set of adaptable clothing.  Perfect for traveling and traveling light.

That’s the wrap on the trip.  Time now to focus again on the ranch and home duties.  For instance, I’m on KLMX radio tomorrow.  I’m part of the Ministerial Alliance of this area and as part of that, I get a 15 minute chunk of time on the radio every day for a week.  It takes about 10 hours to write, record, and prepare 1.5 hours of talking.   I meant to do my writing while on the trip, but I totally forgot about it.  So, I guess I’ll just recycle an old program and go with that.  I’ve done this for 4 years and have quite a few things to draw from (see “Sermons-Text” here: http://www.fbcdesmoines.org/) .  But, I’d better get busy so for now, “adios!”

Coffee.  'nuff said.

Dark is the Night

It's 6 am and I don't know where we are. We're on an Amtrak train but it's still dark outside and I can't see anything but lights going by. The problem is that we're not supposed be anywhere at this time yet we clearly just left a station. Therefore, we're either ½ hour ahead of time or ½ behind. Well, we could be more than that behind, which would be fine with me since we have a 6 hour layover in Chicago and I'd rather spend it on the train than off the train in a noisy terminal. But anyway, we're kicking along in the dark and I'm awake so here I am typing by feel.

The journey home has been a little bit different. First, we have different crew. Every crew so far has their own ways of doing things. My sleeping car guy is young and maybe a little inexperienced and he insists on doing everything. Me, I'm old and experienced- some would say “set in my ways”, but I prefer “experienced”- and there are ways that I like to do things. For instance, I've been making my own beds when the time comes. I can do it, for one. But for another, I travel with my own little fleece “sleeping bag” and I sleep in that. I don't sleep in hotel or train sheets. I don't know how clean they are for one (if I were outlining this story, this would be a sub-point), but (sub point 2) by sleeping in a consistent cover (.ie my fleece bag), I can regulate my temp better. I know about how warm or cool I'm going to be and can kick or cover appropriately. In strange sheets? Who knows?! Every night's an adventure and that makes for tough sleep. My fleece bag is like an elf blanket and seems to magically regulate my temp so that I'm just perfect every night.

Here's another reason I like to do it myself. I let the porter do his job and when we came back, he had my head facing the rear of the train. That in itself wouldn't matter, but there's a little niche built into the headrest that's perfect for storing eye glasses at night. The night light switch is on that console, and the steps leading up to the upper bunk are also on the console. Therefore, it makes more sense to me to have my head over there. I can drop my glasses in the cubbyhole, reach up and flip the light switch on/off, and help David down the steps should he need to come down in the middle of the night. All this stuff was at my feet. So, after the porter had done his job, I just closed the curtains and re-did it the way I wanted it. I hope I don't sound like a grumpy old man.

Speaking of David, though... there's a safety net in the upper bunk designed to keep people from rolling out in the middle of the night. David, however, is not a normal person. He tosses and turns and rolls and flips and flops and kicks and contorts all thru the night. When I'm ever forced to share a bed with him, the first thing I do is build a wall of pillows down the middle to keep him on his side of the bed. I've learned this the hard way. But anyway, 'round midnight, I awoke and took a look-see and what I saw were David's legs dangling over the edge of the top bunk. I pushed him back into place and built a wall of pillows on the edge, but from there on, all I could see in my mind's eye was David tossing and turning and throwing himself off the edge of the bunk, striking his head on the steps, breaking his nose...blood everywhere...screaming....blah, blah, blah. Maybe I'm over-protective, but the image of him tumbling down the church steps was still hot on my brain and the scrapes and bruises on his face are very real. So, I ended up waking up every 5 minutes to check on him. The wall of pillows held him in place pretty good, and all was well for the rest of the night. Except that here I am, wide-awake at 6 am typing by feel in the dark. We are now away from whatever town that was and it's REALLY dark so I think I'll shut this down and just drink my railroad coffee in sensory deprivation. Dark night, dark coffee, dark thoughts.. they all go together.

Later: Here we are in Chicago, sitting in the Amtrak lounge. After writing the above, I got another hour or so of sleep and I feel perky enough right now. David and I ate a good breakfast on the train and now we're ready to go explore Union Station Chicago.

Mo' later: we're back from exploring. This is a big station. Not as big as Union Station DC but still pretty good sized. I'm sure everyone's tired of hearing about this, but that sleeping car ticket is the way to go. We're sitting here in this nice lounge with TV, comfortable chairs, tables, free soft drinks and coffee, and lounge bathrooms. About 30-45 minutes before departure, someone comes around, gathers us up, and leads us like sheep to our train. It's just about fool proof and WAY better than airline waiting lounges. Granted, the sleeper car cost me $328 per leg of the trip (Raton → DC, DC → Raton) which effectively doubled the price of my tickets, but even so the total bill was $1250 for me and David to DC and back via sleeping cars the whole way. All meals on the train were paid for and we've eaten at least 2 on each train. It would be hard to match that via airplane.

As I noted earlier, I'm reading several books. I finished Don Miller's “Blue Like Jazz” and really liked it. I mean, it's not going to replace my Bible or anything, but Miller wrote a very honest, introspective, and thoughtful book and really nailed, IMHO, some critical points about the Christian walk. I'll probably write some more about his book later on when I don't have Internet access and put 'em on here at a later time. By contrast, Brent Crowe's “Chasing Elephants- wrestling with the gray areas of life” is a little disappointing so far. Maybe because he reflects some of the attitude that Miller writes about, maybe because this is material I've already wrestled with myself and I think he's missing some points. I dunno. It's just not resonating with me, but that's fine. I'm sure it'll resonate with someone. I'm simultaneously reading Timothy Keller's “The Reason for God” and “The Prodigal God”. The former is good, but again, I've tackled so many of these points already. “The Prodigal God”, on the other hand, immediately brought up some interesting angles that I hadn't considered and he also is singing a solo over the tune that Miller introduced, so for now, I'm focusing over there. And while we're here, let me put in a plug for William P. Young's “The Shack”. I was asked to read this by a church member and found it to be a really good book. It challenges some dogmatic thought, but I was easily able to back up his thought with Scripture. Young Miller, and to an extent Keller are all challenging their readers to think about what “freedom in Christ” really means. We could quibble on small theological points, but I greatly appreciate that they're trying to get people to think instead of just act dogmatically robotic.

Nothing like getting a good early start...

The view from our room.  The Air/Space Museum is center

Our sleeping car on the return leg

Indiana countryside from the train

Coffee.  'nuff said.

David in his seat

 Well, that's probably enough chit-chat for this session. We'll talk to you tomorrow, hopefully from the sunny skies of Hi-Lo High Plains New Mexico.